Thank you

Thinking about gratitude this morning - Thanksgiving 2020.  This certainly hasn’t been the best year of my life, but it also hasn’t been the worst.  There truly is always something to be grateful for - in every minute of every day.  The fact that we are alive and breathing, for starters.  As of this moment, Thanksgiving morning 2020, 262,000 Americans have died from Covid-19.  Worldwide, 1.42 million people have lost their lives to this disease.  It’s staggering when you take that in.  I’m grateful to be alive.  I’m grateful I don’t personally know anyone who has died of Covid-19.  I’m grateful for the scientists working around the clock to bring vaccines to market - never have I been more proud to work in the innovative industry of biotechnology.  

Speaking of, I’m grateful for my job; it’s challenging during these times - I’m used to being on planes, being with people, interacting with customers and colleagues, and suddenly all has become Zoomland.  I’ve gotten used to it I suppose.  I can’t say I love it, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to still do gratifying work, to support my family, and be engaged with some of the best people I know via the internet.  I’m grateful for the incredibly smart, talented, dedicated team of people I get to work with - I’m lucky I get to work with people that inspire me every day.

I’m grateful for the internet!! Imagine a pandemic without internet - for now it is literally my workplace, it is where I shop for groceries that are delivered, search for answers to questions, take online Italian, and cruise through Pinterest looking for decorating ideas and recipes.  (I really wish the internet would stop sending me ads for alllll the things I like though!) . They know me better than I know myself……

Most of all, when I think about what I’m grateful for, it’s the people.  It’s the human beings in my life that make my heart happy.  This has been a year that I’ve spent far more time with my family than I would have otherwise - I’d be lying if I didn’t say I long for 100% alone time occasionally, but overall, the family time has been great.   I’ve had less time with friends than I might usually have, but the time I have had with them has been that much more special because it is so limited.  

I’m grateful for the trips I HAVE been able to take - they have been all that much more sweet because they have been few and far between.  My Italian wedding was canceled this summer, but I still got to have a beautiful romantic elopement by the sea in northern California.  I’m grateful I got to marry the love of my life in an intimate setting in a place we love.   I still got to visit some incredible wineries and go on beautiful hikes and explore my favorite state. I was able to stay in California for two weeks and work remotely from there WHILE enjoying my favorite place.  (thank you ZOOM) 

There are a million random things I’m grateful for too .  I read a New York times article this morning where 10,000 people wrote in using a “six word” sentence of what they were grateful for - so many random things - so many heartwarming things.   Here’s the link - https://messaging-custom-newsletters.nytimes.com/template/oakv2?campaign_id=9&emc=edit_nn_20201126&instance_id=24498&nl=the-morning&productCode=NN&regi_id=74195342&segment_id=45480&te=1&uri=nyt%3A%2F%2Fnewsletter%2F893cada1-de5f-5c69-b15e-c3969d16852a&user_id=46751518de16dcfeb6bea6e4908fae91

I’m grateful for the sound of the birds in the morning and how they change with the seasons - I’ve been quarantining for three full seasons now - just the winter to go and it will be a full year.   The birds sing different songs, at different times, and they are quieter now as we enter winter.  

I’m grateful for INCREDIBLE television content - be it Netflix, Amazon, HBO, Showtime, Hulu, Apple TV -  I have watched FAR too much TV during this pandemic, but I’ve also just given in to it.  In a world without live music, live theater, parties, etc., I appreciate the depth and breadth of television programming that is available right now.   I’ve made some of my best friends on shows like Schitt’s Creek and Ted Lasso.  I literally missed them when the shows were over.  Topics of conversation with friends - what have you been cooking? what have you been binging?  Binging on TV - a fairly new concept since the advent of streaming. I think we can all relate to staring at the clock at 10 pm and thinking….”should we watch one more?”  

I’m grateful for getting back to reading books.  Somehow in the hustle of my pre-covid life, books had fallen to the wayside a bit.  I guess I should say FICTION books.  I’ve always been an avid fiction reader, and somehow between the work travel and reading books for work, I had lost the window of time for reading good old fashioned fiction.

I’m grateful for wine - some days during the pandemic, opening a great bottle of wine on a Tuesday for no good reason has given me immense joy…. a little reminder of the beauty of waiting.  It took several years for those grapes to become great wine - maybe I need to think about this time as “fermentation” time.    May we all come out of this pandemic with more depth,  a smooth finish, and just a little fruit forward. (likely a little full bodied, too, from all the delicious cooking we’ve been doing!) 

I’m grateful for the Saturday morning farmer’s market - while everyone social distancing and masked up, the beauty of buying fresh produce and homemade pasta and freshly baked sourdough every Saturday and then creating a beautiful meal from it has been wonderful.  

I’m grateful for more time with my kids than I would have ever had while on the road for work.  I’ve been able to BE there for many more events and hugs.  

I’m grateful for my running partner - we ran so much we both are now injured, so currently she’s my walking partner…..  grateful for running too, which I desperately miss as I nurse this injury.  Running is so good for my body and my mind - it’s a beautiful way to think and process and come up with all kinds of ideas.  I don’t know why running stimulates my creative brain, but it does.  I often get home and furiously scribble something down on paper - something I want to do, or write about, or create.  I’m grateful for the deeper friendship that has evolved as a result of the daily running/walking also!

I’m grateful for my health.  This is a huge one.  When I think about all the people struggling with health issues (both covid and non covid related) this is one I think we all take for granted.  As I breathe in and breathe out and feel pretty darn good most of the time (running injury aside), I’m so grateful.  

I’m grateful for the incredible weather we have had in the south.  We had one of the longest most beautiful springs I have ever experienced here - which was important, because we were just getting used to quarantine and it was important to be able to go outside without weather concerns.  We had a mild (for Georgia) summer and the fall has been spectacular.  (I could certainly deal with fewer hurricanes and fires across the country…. but that’s another topic all together)

I’m grateful for my home.  With the money I haven’t spent on travel during the pandemic,  I have channeled into making my space more beautiful; redecorating my “woman cave” - my loft area for reading and relaxing.  I’m grateful to be able to do this and to have a space that I love to retreat to when I need alone time or for coffee in the morning or just to curl up with a great book or magazine.

I’m certainly grateful for coffee!! How else would I even wake up and do all the things? 

I’m so very grateful for music! (live music is one of the things I desperately miss). I have been able to attend one socially distanced outdoor jazz performance (thank you Callanwolde)…it made my heart so happy. Grateful for Spotify where I have curated so many playlists, shared so many tunes with others, and discovered beautiful new music. I’m grateful for the friends that routinely send me new music! Music NEVER disappoints. Music ALWAYS lifts my spirits. Here’s a playlist I made in honor of Thanksgiving. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1jN07GiBwt9Ecpr7BbmqoZ?si=z99QLOCqQpyKBoC7YjmxUg. And, as an added bonus - a utube video of one of my favorites, Leah Song from Rising Appalachia singing “Thank you very much”. https://youtu.be/PKFed9LCong

You see how this goes….one expression of gratitude leads to another leads to another.  It really is a domino effect.  The same is true with negative thinking….one negative thought begets another begets another.  I choose gratitude.  I choose positivity.  It is a choice we all get to make, REGARDLESS of circumstances, REGARDLESS of all the stuff swirling around us.  We can’t deny that bad things happen, that sometimes life is damn hard, but, at the end of the day, if we can swing things back around to gratitude, we are reminded that the world is a beautiful place and that life is beautiful.   

I’m grateful for this outlet of writing.  About six years ago I committed to writing every day, and with the exception of a day or two, I have done it.  Be it just journal writing, blog post writing, poetry writing, short story writing, whatever - it has been an incredible way to express myself, share my thoughts, and just vomit my brain onto paper; actually, onto a screen as I do it digitally.  Grateful for my computer!!  

No matter what my frame of mind or mood, the second I start focusing on gratitude, it shifts.  I remind myself of all the good in the world. I remind myself of all the good in my life.   It’s undeniable; the practice of gratitude will change your life.  It is a practice, it doesn’t always come naturally.  It is like exercise - you feel soooo much better after it’s done.  I challenge anyone reading this today to start a gratitude journal.  Every day as part of my writing, I write down 10 things I’m grateful for - they then circle throughout my brain for the rest of the day, reminding me to focus on the good.  Today, Thanksgiving, is a great day to start.  What are you grateful for? 

Don't eat Cheetos for breakfast (or you are what you eat)

I’m thinking at this moment about what we feed ourselves.  Thinking about what I put in my body and mind…. just like eating a bag of cheetos for breakfast, consuming doses of bad news from every possible source out there also can’t be good for one’s soul.  Whether it’s facebook, instagram, the NYT, the Washington Post, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, Twitter….any of it in large doses is just plain toxic.  There will be those naysayers out there that claim that being “uninformed” will lead to disaster.  I think it’s important that we all be informed, and truly informed takes about 10 mins of reading of a trusted source. (those are different for different people…or different political parties).  But whatever - just read a little. bit. of news.  I skimmed the front page of the online NYT this morning - wow.  Doom and gloom central.  Here’s the thing - there’s  a lot of bad shit going on in our world right now.  However,  I believe in the power of the mind and energy.  I believe if we shift our energy and focus to alllllll the bad news - we draw more of it to us.  I prefer (and call me rose colored glasses - I don’t care) that focusing on the love, the kindness, the generosity, the friendship, the BEAUTY of our world will create more of that and turn the tide of what is happening right now.  For generation after generation dating back to early mankind - there have been horrible disasters, plagues, political unrest, war, famine…times better and times worse than now.  I’m certainly not downplaying or discounting the atrocities that happen in our world.  I am challenging people to not put all focus and attention there.  Go for a walk, look at the colorful flowers, listen to the birds, watch the fireflies at night, take a gift to a friend, write a letter or a love note, eat a ripe, juicy peach, hold someone’s hand, listen to a child’s laughter, watch a puppy video, for God’s sake don’t keep mindlessly scrolling through bad news.  It’s horrible for a person’s mental health, it creates a reality that is so full of doom and gloom that it might feel like a person can’t even go on; I think it makes a person feel helpless instead of empowered.  Take baby steps to fix the injustices in the world.  Help a homeless person today.  Write a letter to a congressman.  Vote.  Educate yourself on issues you want to better understand.  And then live your life.  Enjoy the small wonders and pleasures that are all around us.  It doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you DO.  It means you are grateful and can notice all of the beauty that does still exist in our world IN SPITE of all of the hard things and tragedy.  It will leave your mind healthier, happier, and more able to work for change and personal growth.  Your mind is powerful.  Your thoughts and words are powerful.  Think good thoughts. 

In the words of John Lewis who recently left our world - “Be optimistic, don’t get lost in a sea of despair, but be bold, be courageous, and all will work out.”  

My white privilege

I haven’t written a cookielove blogpost with any meaningful depth in some time.  I think the weight of the world has been heavy on my shoulders, and it’s been tough to think about putting my thoughts down on paper.  It’s been hard to imagine writing with the substance that this time in our history deserves.  2020 has been a year we won’t forget; or, at least I hope we won’t forget it.  As I think about the major events of the year - Covid 19, Black Lives Matter (part deux, or arguably, part infinity….depending on how you look at it), the presidential election, just to name a few big issues in our world, writing a silly little blog seems so….trivial.  

Yet, I feel a weird responsibility to talk about these things and to put them down in a space where at least I WILL REMEMBER and be moved to make personal change where I can.  

Emotions are raw right now,  the chasm between the left and the right is ever widening.  It feels like we may never bridge that gap.  I never would have thought I would see a day when the wearing of masks to prevent a public health crisis would be politicized.  I never thought I would be examining my own biases only to discover that - wow -  why have I not paid attention to the racial injustices in our country? Why have I sat by, ignorantly wallowing in my own white privilege while my black friends endure micro AND macro aggressions EVERY. SINGLE. DAY? 

I want to write about my rising awareness of my own white privilege.  There have been a couple of times recently when I noticed it in a big way -  both of them while running.  I think of the senseless death of Ahmaud Arbery in the state I call home - a 25 year old black man shot while out running by two white men - caught ON FILM.  How many times do these senseless acts of violence happen when there are NO cameras in sight?  When there are NO video replays of the tragic situation.  HE WAS JUST OUT FOR A RUN.  The list is endless; there are so many senseless killings of black people, I can’t list or even remember all of them.  I focus on Ahmaud because he was running.  I’ve been a runner for as long as I can remember.  I often head out alone in the wee hours of the morning for a run; logging miles before my work day, clearing my head and finding that space in the day that is all mine to plan, to think, to elevate my creativity (something about running stimulates ideas and processes emotions and frankly, keeps me sane amidst the day to day life stressors) and, to keep my heart pumping and my muscles strong.  I think about Ahmaud - maybe he was doing the same thing - clearing his mind, strengthening his body, working through stress.  

The other day I set out for a run on a Saturday a little later in the morning.  I decided on a longish run, mentally traced out the route I would do in my head, and set out under a blazing sun.  I listened to my playlist ranging from Eminem to Prince to 2Chainz to Jose Gonzalez to U2 (just thinking about the diversity of my playlist makes me think about the beautiful diversity of our nation; of the melting pot of people that MAKE OUR NATION A BETTER PLACE).  As I ran through the lush and gorgeous neighborhood of Druid Hills - a predominately white and wealthy neighborhood in the very diverse city of Atlanta, I took in the large mansions and sprawling manicured lawns.  I picked this route because the old trees are so huge and provide a tremendous amount of shade in the hot Atlanta summer sun.  As I approached the spot where I was about to take a right, I saw a “do not enter” roadblock sign was up.  I knew the neighborhood well enough to know that if I didn’t take a right here, it would add at least another mile to my already “longer than my body wanted” run…so, I glanced down the road, saw some trucks working in the distance, but also saw enough room that a runner could pass.  My instinct, as a rule follower by nature, was to choose an alternate route.  However, my tired and aching middle-aged body said - ugh - you don’t want to run any further, just give it a shot.  I listened to the second voice.  As I turned down the street, I saw a policeman in a police car monitoring people like me.  He politely rolled down his window and said “ma’am, this road is closed - the sign clearly says that ”.  I smiled, waved, apologized, and said I was hoping that sign had been just for cars and that there would be room on the road for a runner.  He flashed a grin my way and said - “no, ma’am”.  I turned around.  And then I thought about it.  I thought about - I had broken a law.  Disobeyed a clearly marked sign.  I thought about recent events.  What if I was a black man in that neighborhood, doing the same thing, and that police officer decided to do something different?  What if, that police officer had thought the black man LOOKED like someone who had recently committed some robberies int the neighborhood? Would I have been issued a citation? Would I have been arrested? Would I have been shot? I know this will seem inflammatory; I honestly think (but, again, this could be my white privilege speaking) that most cops (most people, in fact) are not racist and are here to serve and protect ALL people.  However, I have never been black.  I have never been a black person running through a white neighborhood.  I have never been mistaken for a criminal because of the color of my skin.  THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF WHITE PRIVILEGE - for anyone who still says white privilege doesn’t exist; who uses the argument of - I grew up poor, I grew up from nothing, I grew up without any privilege.  Those things are true for many, myself included, but I have never felt fear over the color of my skin. I have never been shot while simply out running. I think if we, as white people, just start acknowledging that, we will get there.  We will get to a place where equality is real, and the world is a more just place.  I need to believe that.  I also know it’s only a start.  

I HAVE been a white person running through a black neighborhood - many, many times.  And, after the senseless shooting of Ahmaud, I had one of those runs, too.  I had the thought - I wonder if these black people in this neighborhood are ANGRY that I, a white woman, can freely run through a predominately black neighborhood without the fear of being shot?  Because I have never felt that fear UNTIL that day.  UNTIL I realized that black people are angry right now - and they should be.  Violence begets violence.  Anger begets anger. If I were a black person witnessing so many senseless killings at the hands of white people, I would be angry.  I can’t walk a mile in anyone else’s shoes, but the least I can do is try to imagine what that might be like.  This is where understanding starts.  

I spent the rest of both of those runs thinking about my white privilege.  Thinking about the world we live in - so divided and so angry right now.  Sometimes I can’t even pick up a newspaper or read a magazine article - it makes my soul hurt.  I have to believe there are better times coming.  I think about Anne Frank’s words “In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.  I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death.  I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the suffering of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again”.  I am, and will continue to be, the eternal optimist. I will put my energy toward believing in a better world - for all of us.  It is our diversity that is our strength.  It is the variance of race, creed, gender, culture, religion, that makes our country so wonderful.  The only way to erase hatred is to look within; look inside ourselves and find the light to illuminate the darkness.   True change will only come from understanding, empathy and love.  It starts with me.  

Miracles of Motherhood

Mother’s Day.  I wake up this morning feeling insanely grateful for the gift of motherhood.  I’ve been a mom for almost 27 years now….THAT is hard to believe.   I don’t think it’s possible to find an honest mama that doesn’t describe motherhood as the most beautiful, painful, wonderful, heart wrenching, challenging, lovely, and completely overwhelming experience of life.  There have been times where I just needed a  break from the whirlwind of mothering (can I please just stay in a hotel and order room service and pee alone?).  There have been times when I am surrounded by all of my amazing kids and I feel such an abundance of love that I could explode.  There have been FAR more of the latter.    The first kind was mostly when the kids were little and there was always so much to do and so much caretaking and sometimes my cup was just empty and I was oh. so. tired.   Motherhood is this strange and wonderful circumstance of balancing between the giving of allll of yourself while trying not to lose that little speck of yourself that is still just you.  

When I think of what motherhood has taught me, it seems impossible to write it all down. When I think of the greatest joys in my life, so many of them stem from the growing of a child in my belly, smelling that sweet wonderful baby smell, watching them experience the wonder of the world, picking them up and dusting them off when they fall down, kissing their boo-boos, lying in bed reading stories at night, putting them back in bed again and again and again when they start to test the boundaries, watching their wide eyed observations of all the little things our adult eyes don’t notice anymore, and literally crying every time I saw them on stage even if they were in the back row, not singing, and barely visible to me - what is that autonomic response of crying when your kids are performing?  Every. Single. Time. All the tears. All the while, I was attempting to mold and shape them, only to watch them live outside whatever artificial lines I had created as they expressed their true and unique selves.  Mothering is a true example of control being an illusion.  I can try to teach them, but they are their own people.   This lesson took me awhile.  I’ve watched myself change as a mother from the mom who had a baby at 25 to the mom who had another at 30 and then again at 39….no one would expect that I would mother them all the same, and I certainly haven’t.  (if you ask the eldest, the youngest gets away with murder….true.)  

Growing your heart outside of your body ain’t easy…..there are so many times you want to  yank it back in, keep it safe, protect it from all the harm that you know is out there.  You want to save your children from the pain you may have experienced or save them from things you know they don’t yet understand.  Then you see it.  You see them encounter trouble.  You see them recover.  You see them learn to navigate their emotions, their desires, their own becoming.  You see that they are capable, and that it is only THROUGH the struggles and the boo boos and the running into brick walls that they develop all of the life skills they need - the resiliency, the bravery, the humility, the compassion, the love.  

I feel like we FORGET so much of motherhood - the time flies by so quickly, and it’s only when I leaf through the pages of my mind or of a photo album that I remember.  I remember that time when I left my firstborn at daycare for the very first time, and I sobbed for an hour in the car - knowing that FOREVER,  I was going to worry about this little one.  That FOREVER when I was away from this beautiful little girl, I would feel a tiny, gnawing ache and worry inside my belly.   It lessens, but is still there - even when my baby is a 26 year old grown woman. She is probably a stronger, wiser, and more independent woman than I ever was at her age , yet that little ache is always there. I remember falling asleep with her on the couch as an infant after a sleepless night, wondering if I would EVER be able to do this motherhood thing. I  remember that when I went to leave my second child with his giant blue eyes and white hair at day care, I LITERALLY could not leave him there.  I sat with him, rocked him, smelled him, and then promptly took him back to the car with me and took him home.  I quit my job and spent the next two years watching him roar at ants by the front porch and laugh and giggle incessantly as he raced around the house with me chasing him. I learned to cook with him sitting in the bouncy seat on the kitchen counter, and I ran hundreds of miles pushing him in the baby jogger.   I remember how he snuggled in by my side on the couch every opportunity he had, and I remember that every minute of every twenty four hours was hard and wonderful and exhausting and gratifying and so full of love.  Then there was that surprise red headed bonus child when I was almost forty years old.  He had that cherubic face, the naughty laugh, the love of nature and animals and the great big heart full of love for everyone around him - especially his big sister and big brother and all of their friends.    We wrapped him up like a burrito and fought over who would get to hold him.  This one teaches ME so many new things ever single day. I remember how hard it was juggling a growing career with all of this - wanting to stretch intellectually, yet find a way to do it that wouldn’t steal from mothering; a delicate and nearly impossible balance.  

My mom gave birth to me at the way too young age of fifteen.   She was a child raising me on her own - doing the best she could with what she had.  I am so grateful for all of the sacrifices she made to ensure that I had a better life and that I could take care of myself.   It’s what we all do; when we have grace for our own mothers and grace for ourselves, we realize that we are all doing the best we can with what we have.  Not one of us has been a perfect mother; we have tried, failed, tried again, but mostly we have loved deeply.   Motherhood is this beautiful and wonderful miracle that grows your heart to a million times its original size, breaks it a few times, and then continues to grow it in a million different directions.  The humans I am blessed to be a mother to are hands down my favorite people on earth.  They are true miracles.   

“Around us, life bursts with miracles, a glass of water, a ray of sunshine, a leaf, a caterpillar, a flower, laughter, raindrops.  If you live in awareness, it is easy to see miracles everywhere.  Each human being is a multiplicity of miracles.  Eyes that see thousands of colours, shapes, and forms; ears that hear a bee flying or a thunderclap; a brain that ponders a speck of dust as easily as the entire cosmos; a heart that beats in rhythm with the heartbeat of all beings.  When we are tired and feel discouraged by life’s daily struggles, we may not notice these miracles, but they are always there. “  —Thich Nhat Hanh

Sunday thoughts

Sundays always make me happy.  They always make me want just one more Sunday, in fact.  I think our weeks should go Mon-Friday, Saturday. Sunday. Sunday.  There’s something about Saturdays that are still kind of busy - unwinding, getting chores done, still in the “to do” mode from the week.  But Sundays, ah.  I’m sitting in the woman cave this morning just listening to the symphony of birds singing outside - it’s glorious.  It’s all the church one needs I think.  It makes me grateful to live where I live, nestled underneath the ancient magnolias and pecan and oak trees, wedged between dogwoods and azaleas and camellias and gardenia bushes. 

Sipping on my cup of coffee this morning, I think of how very very lucky I am to be healthy, employed, with most of my family, and surrounded by more books than I will ever actually finish.  That was a goal of mine during this coronavirus time (I set so many goals early on during this!)- start reading allll the books! I have a bad habit of reading ABOUT a book I might l like and then immediately downloading or buying the hardcopy from Amazon.  Yet, I don’t actually read that much everyday (focus seems to be a challenge during this time),  so they are certainly piling up.  I will get there.  In the beginning with corona I took a deep breath and felt a sense of contentment around the slowing down of life.  I have been running so fast over the last few years - both in my career and in my personal life, knowing that I’m not going to live forever. How do I do all the things I want to do?  How do I see all the things I want to see? Now, as the weeks add up to months, I vacillate internally between contentment and utter frustration.  I love my home, I love the people in it, but I long for alone time.  I long for travel.  I long for visiting someplace new.  I long for beaches and cobblestoned streets and ancient castles and wine that tastes and smells like the dirt of the country its grown in.   I long for dinners with friends and work meetings where I can look people in the eyes, read body language, and laugh together in person.  I long to run an errand! I long to do long runs with my entire running group - a group of 5 women that I adore! I miss a girls’ weekend where we laugh and drink wine and escape reality for a couple of days. I long for date night with Robb and a great martini served at a bar followed by a casual walk on the Atlanta Beltline which would be SWARMING with people.  It’s a weird feeling driving down streets with no traffic and NOT seeing groups of people hanging out and laughing and enjoying one another’s company.  I live in a vibrant city and part of what makes it so vibrant are the people!  I miss that.  I long to hug Zach - he’s been living in another city and I got to see him yesterday at a social distance family picnic (yay!), but I didn’t get to hug him. That was tough.

I long for headlines that don’t involve thousands of people dying, the overwhelm of hospitals, and the insanity of our government.  I think,  like everyone else, I just want to feel a sense of “what was” again.   I sometimes feel a little guilty for my cravings of normalcy; I lead a privileged life - not everyone does, and I am acutely aware of that.  My problems or wishes pale in comparison to so many who are ill or who are now just struggling to survive. I love the “how can we help” mentality that has been born of this crisis, I love the neighbors helping neighbors, the “drive by” birthday parties where kids show their friends they are still thinking of them; still caring for them.  I love that restaurants are supporting healthcare workers and each other.   I love the home cooked meals and the walks.  I love the closeness that has somehow developed through the “distancing”.  But, I don’t love the distance.

I can’t wait to travel again.   I can’t wait to plan a trip, anticipate a trip, and then BE in a new place exploring all of the nooks and crannies - the touristy stuff, the local stuff, all of it.  I will not take it for granted again, this I know.  My normal has always involved a hefty sense of gratitude, as does my “new normal” during Covid-19, but the list of things I’m grateful for looks different.   I don’t know what our new world will look like post Covid (the idea of masks and distancing and separation makes me cringe),  but I DO know I will be extremely grateful for all the things I took for granted in the past.   I DO know that the next time I board an airplane or get in my car or meet with a group of people, I will look at it differently.  The next time I get to hug someone NOT living in my home will be one of the best days ever.  

Word love

I love words.  Turns out there’s a word for that - logophile.  I’ve been scrolling through Pinterest this morning (as I often do), reading quotes, checking out interior design trends, looking for new plant based recipes and just perusing all kinds of things.    I’ve come across a whole slew of words and their definitions, so of course I had to start a new “favorite words” board; someday I will do something with them, just like alllll the other Pinterest boards I’ve created. Anyway, I came across a word this morning that I didn’t know existed - Onism.  It means “awareness of how little of the world you will ever experience”.  This is something I have felt my entire life, but had no idea there was a word for it.  It’s all the more bittersweet during this time of quarantine.  It’s all the more bittersweet knowing the clock is ticking on my life, and it is narrowing the gap of time I have to see the world. 

Obviously we are doing the right thing by staying in, protecting ourselves and everyone else from the spread of this virus.  I’m not one of those silly protesters; this is so much bigger than me and I realize that.  At the same time, I feel a little sadness over it.  I also know that I will appreciate the sweetness of seeing a new place and experiencing new things all the more when I’m able to travel again.  I think about the first time I saw the sea - I was in the 4th grade and had moved to Santa Cruz, CA from Kansas….a long way from any ocean!  I remember the smell of the seaweed, the foggy air and the cold sand between my toes.  I remember the first time I went to Europe - to Germany to live for a year - an incredible eye opening look at the world through the eyes of a small town Kansas girl. All the things were so unfamiliar  - the sights, sounds, smells, language, culture……. and I loved it.  I explored so many countries in Europe that year - giving me but a taste of what the world has to offer. I haven’t stopped traveling since.  I have a job where I travel; my company is based in a different city from where I live.  Not everyone would love this, but there’s something so special to me about touching down in a new city and seeing what it has to offer; seeking a “local” experience in a new place, breathing in the DIFFERENT.   

I also am experiencing the sweetness of being home for extended periods of time; I’m glad to know that my partner doesn’t drive me insane, that I still love to cook and bake, and that I am able to clean my own house (not that I necessarily want to….) BUT that there is beauty in the experience of making your own space beautiful and clean.   The pause I have been taking is lovely in many ways, but boy do I miss the travel.  I miss seeing my friends and colleagues, I miss the hugs on the street when I see a neighbor,  I miss seeing Zach,  and I even miss the airplanes!  I know the time will come when much of that life returns, and I’m sure then we will reminisce about “that three month period where we all stayed home”…. because there is so much good in this time too.  The stillness is also beautiful,  the social distancing “happy hours” 10 feet apart in the driveway or via Zoom,  reading more books, watching more movies, experimenting in the kitchen (going to try sourdough bread today!), and even cleaning out closets.   Living in the here and now is truly the only way to get through all of this; finding the joy in the small moments; appreciating what IS.   I will try to keep my heightened sense of onism at bay for now, and embrace my inner homebody.  

As is

Easter Sunday.  I won’t lie - I’m enjoying the quarantine a bit today.  Emily and I went for a walk in a little rain shower this morning, we had a group hug with Emily and Wilson starting it and Robb and I joining in….(missing Zach and Robb’s kids…sending virtual hugs out to each of them), we had a FEAST of eggs, asparagus, bacon (we aren’t vegan today- embracing flexitarianism), fruit salad, and homemade cinnamon rolls.  I have a cookbook from the late 1960s or early 70s (the front cover has torn off, so I can’t be sure)….it’s a mennonite cookbook from Kansas and has THE best recipes in it.  It’s old fashioned in the best of ways.  I found myself turning the pages and reading the random wisdom inside - how to convert to metric, how to cook for 100(!)..specific quantities of potatoes, etc. for a crowd, how to remove ANY stain from anything, as well as soooo many old school recipes like homemade pickles, spiced nuts, etc.  I also realized in the 11th hour that I didn’t have any powdered sugar for frosting for the cinnamon rolls…hmmmm. Thank God for Google.  For future reference - you can make a delicious frosting by cooking milk, flour and a pinch of salt until it’s thick and bubbly.  Cool it and mix with granulated sugar creamed with butter and vanilla.  Voila - I think it was better than the powdered sugar kind.  Always learning.  

Easter Sunday delivery from the Easter Bunny….(aka Amazon)..PAPER TOWELS!  Small delights.  I’m trying to welcome, recognize, and be grateful for all of these little things.  Today on our walk I smelled a red rose that was like perfume.  The trees seem greener.  The birds seem to be singing louder.   All the flowers are blooming.  Georgia in the spring is spectacular.  Everything feels slower, more intentional somehow - there are benefits to nowhere to go (like staying your pajamas all day and mimosas). I have moments of wanting to go, but mostly I’m enjoying reading more, cooking more, and trying to be present for it all.  I try to think of a year from now when we all look at each other and say - remember last year when things were so slow?  I hope we take a little bit of it with us into the future - there is beauty in it.  Listen to music.  Read a book with no distraction.  Cook a favorite recipe.  Clean up together.  Gratitude for what is.  As is.  

Take a musical vacation

Started my morning watching John Krazinski’s show which brings good news to people; I love this.  Today was featuring a little girl who couldn’t go see Hamilton so he brought Hamilton to her - via Zoom!.  The cast sang her favorite Hamilton song from the zoom grid and the beauty of it made tears spill down my cheeks this morning.  Sad and happy tears.  It was such a beautiful gift and a beautiful production; the voices clear and brilliant - even on Zoom!  Amazing that technology can move a person to tears.  Amazing that he was able to pull this off and make a little girl’s day.  She will never forget that - hell, I will never forget that! There’s something about music that just makes life better. 

I’m missing live music in the biggest way, but I’m grateful to be able to watch it like this.  I’m going to make a commitment to watching more live music via youtube or livestream or on tv or wherever I can find it.  I may be at home, but music transports me to all kinds of places - places in my soul and in my memory.  So many of my best memories involve live or even recorded music.  I think of some of the best concerts of my life - Mumford and Sons at Berkeley, Norah Jones under a full moon at Chastain Park, Donavon Frankenreither in Paris, John Butler Trio at Chastain, Lenny Kravitz at Piedmont Park, Rising Appalachia in NYC and at the Grocery on Home in Atlanta - so many more….just hearing the music transports me to these wonderful places and times in my mind.  It reminds me of the people I love that I have shared these moments with; I remember the sights and smells and sounds at some of my favorite venues. I hope years from now I remember watching a video or a concert on my TV during that Covid-19 pandemic; may it remind me of the sweet closeness of family, of cooking delicious meals together, of moments of love and moments of irritation, and mostly of happy times in spite of a terrible situation. We may not be able to go out to see live music right now, but don’t forget to tune in to some great music that will take you on a mental vacation right from your home - we all need the joy that it brings.

Grief and Joy

Grief and Joy  - April 3 and 4

I made the mistake of opening my day up at 6 am with work.  I’m usually pretty good about starting it off with reading, writing, meditating, running…doing the things that ground me and set me on a good path for the day.  Instead, after a frustrating and long week of working, trying to focus with multiple people in the house, taking care of all the household things like shopping and cleaning and just staying semi organized in our “pseudo” offices scattered around the house, I realized on my run this morning that I am grieving.  Subtly, under the surface, subconsciously and sometimes consciously, grieving.  I woke up for two hours in the middle of the night - not panicking or anything, but just feeling the feels.  Feeling the pent up energy, the disappointment, the frustration, and the sadness around the changes around us.  I read the memes about - oh suck it up, it’s not that hard to stay home - at least you have a home to stay in, which is all true, and I can shift to gratitude in a heartbeat, but I think it’s important to FEEL these things that are so real.  When we just stuff down feelings, they tend to show up in an unattractive way at some point.  If you don’t deal with them, they just fester and keep you from sleeping or from being able to focus.  In addition to my gratitude list today, I’m going to make a grieving list

I’m grieving

my son’s seventh grade year

his interactions with his friends IN PERSON

his soccer season - he adores soccer and has been playing on a new team with some awesome kids and families and he has been getting better and better ….now this.

the distance from my older kids - I see Emily a couple of times a week as we have all been quarantining for a month now, but Zach is in another town and I can’t imagine not seeing him for months

the trip to Cuba I was supposed to take with Wilson over spring break - an opportunity to go to a beautiful country on a service trip and have some real quality one on one travel time with my baby. 

my spring break photos over the last few years keep popping up and think about what an important and wonderful break and time with family this week typically is - a break from reality, from work, from school, from winter, from our home - traveling to wonderful places.

my Italian wedding.  While we haven’t cancelled yet, it looks likely.  Robb and I have had a long and sometimes challenging journey to get to the beautiful place where we are, and I was so looking forward to celebrating that this summer with family and some very close friends….sure, we can still get married and we will, but it’s just sad…so many things in the works, so much “love  is in the details” thinking, and now…no details.  no actual big things.  

trips to CA - we usually go once a quarter to the place we long to live - hiking in Muir woods, a pizza at Bar Bocce, long bike rides and walks through San Fran, the Ferry building, all of our favorite restaurants, the smell of eucalyptus, coffee and running in Mill Valley and on the Dipsea trail, Parkside Cafe in Stinson, sunsets on a cliff in Bolinas, the crisp weather and beautiful ocean. 

Regular nights out with friends at a bar or restaurant or our homes…I miss people in my home.  

Seeing my colleagues on a regular basis - LIVE and not on Zoom.  It’s not the same.  

a hit to my income, to my retirement plan, to what I’m able to do at work. 

Even airplanes…who thought I would miss airplanes?

the freedom to come and go and stop in here or there…..all of it

and all the while the overwhelming concern of getting or transmitting the coronavirus (or someone I know getting it) 

I look forward to the joys listed above again, I hope I didn’t take them for granted before; I know I certainly do not now.    I think it’s important to recognize what we miss, so that moving forward  we create lives that are full of the things we love - both from the life we lived when we were free to move about AND from the life we are living in stillness.   

April 4 2020

Yesterday was a rough day as is evidenced by my grieving list.  I also had a very very long work week - too many zoom calls, an ever-increasing “to do” list, staying strong and focused for people around me, helping people with things they needed help with - really a “too much on my plate week”.  However, I am proud of myself for continuing to exercise, to eat well, to make time for “driveway happy hour with friends” at least once a week (6-8 feet apart!). 

Today, I am going to focus on the gratitude, on the good things, and on what I can do.  We will have highs and lows during this weird situation, but today is going to be a good day.  I’ve read some great articles on leadership this morning, texted with some friends, forwarded a poem for a poem exchange email chain thing….I usually never do those, but for some reason this one appealed to me.  Here’s the poem I shared:

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and attend them all:

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house

Empty of its furniture, still,

Treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

—Rumi.

Welcome and attend them all…..such good advice.  It goes back to the “feeling the feels”, which is, ironically, the name of the online journal I’ve been keeping for about five years.  It’s a place I go to dump my thoughts, feelings, gratitudes, etc., and keeps me true to my promise to write daily.  

This whole covid 19 thing may just be “clearing us out for some new delight”.  Some of the delights I have found in this situation

More time with family

cooking creative recipes at home; planning meals together and cooking together

no need to dress up! ever! (sometimes I just put on a nice blouse and some makeup for the zoom calls…sometimes I don’t)

a heightened level of compassion from everyone

more time to read (although I admittedly haven’t been doing enough of this)

porch or driveway get togethers with friends - all the sweeter in light of mostly isolating

running or walking every single day and really looking at the beauty of spring all around me

sleeping in my own bed every night

household cleaning projects - windows, floors, closets……

the early mornings when no one else is awake and I can reflect, plan, be grateful, read, and sit quietly and listen to the birdsong all around me as the new day begins.  

There is joy in the moving about.  There is joy in the stillness.  I prefer the balance of both, but for now, I will appreciate the stillness.

April Fool's Day

Maybe it’s been April Fool’s Day for the past month.   I feel like I’m living in a weird tv show or something.  While some things in my life haven’t changed at all, EVERYTHING feels so different.  So heavy in some strange way.  There are a lot of things that are still the same though - a lot of things that still make me feel normal.  The sun is still rising.  The birds still singing.  The birds start singing around 6:20; I keep waking up earlier and earlier, so I’m noticing the time.  I imagine it’s just as a little bit of light starts to filter through the darkness.  It still looks dark to me, but the birds must sense the change in pressure of the sun starting to rise.  I hear an ambulance in the background behind the birds; I think of all of the healthcare workers out helping people, whether it’s Covid 19 or some other type of distress.  That’s the problem with the normal…right when you think about what is normal, you remember that life has been turned upside down.  I still am trying to find beauty in the “upside down”.  There are things I will take away from this time that are lovely.  The video zoom meetings, for example! We’ve had this technology all along, yet chose to do conference calls with audio only.  I feel so much closer to my team on video! I love the intermix of family and barking dogs and all the things that make us whole humans mixed in with work.  It takes authentic leadership to a whole new level.  I like this part.  I miss hugging people, however.  I like a good virtual happy hour - been having these with friends and family, but it’s definitely not as good as an in person cocktail with hugs and close proximity to humans.  When I go out for a run - as I do most days (until my body says - ouch, no more, you need to take a break and do some yoga!) - I try to catch people’s eye as I move an appropriate six feet away from them.  I try to smile or nod or wave - seeking that interconnectedness that gets crippled by fear.  It’s so unnatural to move AWAY from people on the sidewalk.  It feels so rude.  l think that’s the bottom line.  We are being forced to behave in ways that are completely against our human nature.  In an effort to preserve life.  Strange. 

That’s how I ‘m feeling today.  And then reminding myself to bring it back to what I CAN control - which is simply all that I am grateful for and all that is good in this moment.  Today’s list

cooler temperatures - makes for better running

more time to spend with Wilson while he is home schooling 

hot delicious coffee this morning

an early morning text from a new friend (someone I work with that I have never met, but met through a mutual project - #winning #BINGO…make a new friend)

a new playlist on Spotify suggested by Morning Brew in my email this morning

(try both Morning Brew for a summation of news AND Cigarettes after Sex- the spotify playlist of calm mellow tunes)

always the birdsong - a joyous symphony right outside my window

some early morning Sun Salutations

Emily coming for dinner tonight (missing my big kids so much; need to zoom zach in)

Health - always the health.  

Gratitude

I thought I would write a blogpost every day of the Covid 19 quarantine…..hasn’t happened.  I write every morning without fail for at least 15 minutes; it’s a promise I made to myself a few years ago, and I’ve been pretty consistent with it, but I just haven’t felt like posting anything.  One thing I discovered in my very busy work/travel/mom life is that I needed habits to ground me.  I needed things I did every single day to keep me focused on what is important and to keep me creative.  Now that my work/travel/mom life has become very different (it’s been 18 days so far), I’m feeling the need to shake things up a bit and change my habits and daily activities around a bit so that this staying home thing doesn’t feel like groundhog day.  I’m insanely grateful that I have a home I love and people I love to share it with during this time - don’t get me wrong.  However, I thrive on change; I thrive on seeing new places, meeting new people, experiencing new things.  So, my next challenge during this “sabbatical” from regular life is to find a way to stay challenged in my own environment. How do I shake things up a bit right here in my own home? I follow a lot of interesting people on Instagram - one is Jesse Itzler who is a pretty amazing human.  He leads a course called Build Your Life Resume where he challenges people to live their best life - a life that isn’t necessarily about one certain type of accomplishment, but building a life that YOU want to live, that you will be proud of.  We have this limited time here on our glorious planet; how are we living it and what are we doing to make it the best it can be? He’s sent out a free “accountability” chart for the month of April - challenging people to look at three areas of life - Wellness, Business, and Family/Friends - and establish a goal each week.  I like this idea and plan to implement it; will try to choose something different each week in each category.

One other trick I’m trying is moving from room to room for my work from home life.  I’m on a lot of zoom calls; if they are ones I don’t have to be looking at the computer for, I’ve started taking them while walking.  On a nice day, I move to the back porch and enjoy the birdsong.  Sometimes I sit in the living room, sometimes at my desk, sometimes I sit on my bed in my room.  The changed environments make me feel a little less trapped, and make me appreciate the various spaces in my home. I’ve also taken up cooking a new recipe several days a week - THIS has been a lot of fun.  We’ve mostly been eating a plant based diet since the beginning of the year, and I have to say it makes me feel GREAT.  (I will say we consider ourselves 90% plant based eating and 10% eat whatever the heck we want…we aren’t too rigid).  There are soooo many amazing plant based recipes out there.  This time has made me realize just how important mindset is;  it’s truly the only thing we control.  We can feel confined during this quarantine period, or we can feel empowered to embrace new things, to dig deep inside ourselves and to find a way to live our very best lives in this moment just as things are.  I try to go back to the gratitude every single time.  Every day I list ten things I”m grateful for; today I’m going to share them -

Grateful for

More time with Wilson - he’s growing up fast and it’s awesome to watch it 

the sound of our neighborhood owl hooting outside my window this morning as I write

the symphony of birdsong in my backyard

the time to write and read

a job I can work from home with and work that I enjoy

a great partner who always has a wonderful attitude

some amazing new playlists I’ve found on Spotify

green pistachio pesto risotto recipe I tried last night

my dear friend Halle who brought me a bouquet of flowers yesterday

my health and all the health care workers who are taking care of the world right now

I encourage you to start this simple habit.  Just ten things you are grateful for every single day.  You can write in a paper journal, in an online journal, in your notes section of your phone, scratched on a napkin - whatever.  Taking the time to reflect on the beauty of your life truly does bring you back to what’s important.  Many people are struggling right now, many people have overwhelming challenges in this moment….no matter where you are, try to bring it back to the gratitude.  It shapes your mindset, perspective, and ability to move forward in a positive direction.  And- don’t forget to ask for help if you need it; we are all in this together.  Sending love to all my beautiful people.  Grateful for you.  

Just Breathe

Every day as I sit down to write, I try to think of all the good things.  I try to think of what the potential upside of this quarantine is; I try to think about what I’m learning about myself and other people through this experience.  I try to think about what the universe may be telling me, or telling US.  Everything about our world changed in a few short weeks.  Every day we wake up wondering what is new and what the scientists and experts are saying….and we wonder if the leader of our country will listen to them.  (this is a new and unsettling experience in and of itself). So many unsettling and “out of control” type experiences.  I saw a painting in a coffee shop about twenty years ago; I still think about it because I really loved it (I couldn’t afford it at the time); it was beautiful and colorful and it was entitled “control is an illusion”.  This has stayed wedged in my brain all of these years because it’s so very true and it’s something I struggle with every day.  There is very little we can truly control, yet we spend a great deal of time and energy attempting to control things.  The reality - the only thing we can control (and this I’ve learned from hours and hours of meditation) is our mind.  We do have the ability to shift from a place of worry and fear and anxiety to a place of calm and centered and peaceful.  But we have to STOP, SIT, and BREATHE to do it.  I’m not anxious about a lot of things, but I have struggled with a fear of flying for many, many years.  Meditation has helped me tremendously to cope with this fear; I won’t say overcome it, as it still circles beneath the surface, but I can DEAL with it now.  I have to make myself STOP, SIT and BREATHE and focus solely on my breath to manage it.  It no longer manages me, which is a wonderful thing.  

It goes back to that universe thing for me - we have suddenly been forced to stop, sit and breathe.  We’ve been forced to stop DOING and start BEING.   In this BEING, we can find peace and comfort. In this being we get back to focusing on what is good and what is ok right now in this minute.  If you can focus on the in breath and the out breath and nothing else for just a few minutes each day, you will just feel better.  If you are feeling anxious during all of this change and upheaval, try it!  It’s not rocket science, but it does take a little time commitment. Sit in a room alone in a comfortable posture, and focus on breathing in and breathing out.  Your mind will wander; it’s ok! When you catch it wandering, bring it gently back to the breath.  Don’t beat yourself up for being distracted; it’s part of the process.  Over time, your mind wanders less and less and less.  You find yourself feeling anxious less and less and less.  You know that at any time you can just go back to your breath.   You will find over time that you handle things better in general, you don’t get all out of whack when something external throws you off kilter.  Back to the breath.  You can manage your monkey mind.  Be gentle with yourself and others in these times; we are all experiencing COVID-19 in different ways.   Try to stay focused on how you can manage your own anxiety. You can also focus on just one word as you breathe in and breathe out….love, comfort, peace, joy….whatever word you need today.  This is one small thing you CAN control.  Sending love to everyone today - don’t forget to breathe.  

Italia

March 21

I can’t stop.  I came across a James Cordon carpool karaoke video this morning and now I literally can’t stop watching them.  I’m sitting on the couch  with my EarPods in and laughing out loud to the point of crying thinking about how much I love music and how magical it is to watch him just cut up with various singers and actors.  I fell in love with the show when I first saw the Paul McCartney episode, but now I just watch them all; even if I’m not that familiar with the performers.  Music has a way of soothing the soul and taking you to a different place; more into your soul and less in your head.  It certainly got my day off to a good start.  The rest of the day went well too.  We committed to very little news and instead got some exercise, cooked some great Italian food, and had a Godfather marathon.  I have never seen the Godfather movies - which seems insane, but I realized they came out when I was only about six years old.  It was amazing to see Robert DeNiro, James Caan, Marlon Brandon, and Al Pacino as young men at the start of their acting careers.   The cinematography, scenes in New York, Italy, Lake Tahoe and Las Vegas were stunning, and the acting…wow.  Thoroughly enjoyed parts one and two and still need to finish three…that’s a LOT of Godfather in a single day, but hey - the upside of quarantine.  Hope to finish the 3rd today.  

Ah Italy.  The olive oil, the wine, the landscape, the people, the culture, the spirit.  I find myself thinking so much about Italy these days - my friends there, my upcoming (and unlikely) wedding there this summer, the sunflowers, my experiences there over the past two years, the sights, the s smells, the sheer beauty of Italy.  I wrote a poem of sorts on my last trip there.  I think I will share it now.  Sometimes I like to just write random words as opposed to sentences and paragraphs.  It’s long but captures my last trip there so well.  I went to celebrate an old friend’s 50th birthday (my third trip to Italy in an 18 month period, and one of the best experiences ever).  We went with a group of about 30 people - we didn’t know most of them prior to going; an incredible group of people and a delightful adventure thoughtfully planned and designed by Mike’s wife, Dominique - I will be forever grateful for the delicious and gorgeous and laughter filled journey! 

Italy Words train of thought…….

#grappawithgreto

cobblestone streets of Rome

real room keys with tassels 

thirst quenched Aperol spritz and Limoncello

cocktail lounge

bright lights and beautiful bar

street food expedition

all the bread all the meat all the cheese

sunset over the Tiber

iPhone 11 captures it all

ancient ruins surround me

the old meets the new

crisp linens

delightful aperitivo

crisp chips and salty nuts

white wine

red wine

full moon over cathedral and fountain

salty cheesy tomatoey meaty garlicky

pistachio cookies

tastebuds delight

red wine

white wine

morning sun

walk through the neighborhood

cobblestones, bridges and sanctuaries

bird poop and theft

bus rides and glee

hangover or car sick

prosecco bubbles

bus rides

distracted angry bus driver

pit stops

more bubbles

laughter and neck braces

road to Greco

all the seafood

all the spaghetti

laundry flapping in the breeze

from the balconies and windows

overlooking the sea

arrivaderci!

slight delay who cares

all the joy

back on the bus

almost to Amalfi

winding goat strewn roads

narrow and harrowing

nail biting and breathtaking

how much more can we take

trees and eucalyptus and mountain and sea

around the bend yet again 

hairpin turn in a bus

don’t look down

we are on the “safe side”

now we aren’t

driver on the phone

is he ok

vomit comet

back up car

we are coming through

Ravello or bust

all the way to the top

suitcase suitcase suitcase

up the hill

through the cobblestones

into the beauty

of the Palazzo Avino

all the pink

all the green

all the sea

and flower and umbrella and arch and stone and beauty

unending water

and cliff and seaside

green and lush 

the smell of the sea

the sound of glee

push open the windows

breathe in the beauty

open the drawers

smell the shampoo

feel the slippers

drink more bubbles

shower and dress and reception

All the beautiful people

under the blackened sky lit by glorious moon

the Amalfi coast shimmers like Christmas lights along the shore

beckon

see me 

taste me

feel me

embrace me

wallow in me

don’t forget me

dive in my sea

taste my grapes

lush in their fullness

harvest time

scent of lemon and rosemary

earth and sea

taste of the ocean

ripe luscious tomatoes and fresh basil heaven

oil of olives

nuts of trees

hot steaming rich coffee

warm milk on the side

croissant croissant croissant

all the bread

all the time

over the hills and through the lemon and olive orchards

to the ruins 

locked door

no matter

beautiful views

spectacular walk

lovely laughter

Italian stylish hats and joyous smiles

the blue of the sea

juxtaposition of green and yellow and red and orange

and allll the colors of the Amalfi

bus ride grappa feel the burn

fields and vines and lemons and sun

friendships old and new

toasts and roasts and laughter and cake

love and gratitude

sharing

red wine

white wine

bubbles

not in that order

birthday love

beautiful meal

great conversation

smiles and laughter

sun reflected in the sea

saltwater on my skin, in my hair in my eyes

buoyancy

salty

fresh and cold

sore feet from the rocky bottom

full from the delicious feast

gratitude for the opportunity and beauty

yellow and pink and green and orange pastel houses and shops dot the hillsides

rocky ruins scattered throughout

laced with grapevines and olive trees and rugged cliffs

towering above the busy narrow streets 

boats and sails and smells

more red, white, and bubbles

warm bath

sleep.  hard hard sleep

rest day

walking and running through the hillside

down the hills 

through the streets

through the farms and the fields

hello little donkey

so many lizards

bright bright sun

parched yet happy

back up up up wayyyy up the hill

poolside

white wine white wine white wine by the glass by the bottle

all the sun

all the view

all the laughter

all the hats

all the sunglasses

bougainvillea purple

flowers in pink

different people yet all the same

taking it in

enjoying the beauty

loving Greto’s happiness

a trip well planned

by the love of his life

beautiful couple

happy for their joy and being surrounded by love

scent of the spa

warm massage

gentle relaxation

dancing in the room - all the Beatles, all the bubbles

fancy dinner

all the beautiful people

joy for our tastebuds

morning sickness (the alcohol kind not the baby kind)

too much wine food (who has the pepto)

should I go or should I stay

how can I get up when I’m possibly dying

not enough sleep….

delayed trip to Capri

better late than never

quivering stomach watching rocking of the boat

must sit up top to settle my stomach

salty cold sea air 

sunglasses and sun 

Bask jacket snuggles

Cliffs and rocks and ocean spray

Capri beauty

“convertible” cabs - pink and white and sea blue

smiles and photos and giggles from the back seat

oohs and ahhs of the views below

so much to see

so little time

gorgeous seaside deck

white and bamboo and blue and yellow and cocktails and tunes

dancing and laughing

and seafood  all the seafood

temptation room heaven

chocolate and fruit and pastry and cream

lemon tart

delicioso

perfecto

warm bath

early night 

last in Ravello

Italian music 

dimly lit cobblestone streets

red and white and bubbles

early morning

last coffee delivery

no croissants too early 

headed to Modena

train station scurrying and lugging of luggage and where is the bathroom

and then the ride

across the hills

through the fog

between the trees

in mostly silence

as we all processed

where we had been

what we had seen and felt and done

through the tunnels 

more potato chips and bubbles and espresso

gratitude for the million little details

thoughtfully curated

by our hosts

Bologna taxi line efficiency

trading euros for dollars with new friends

heading toward delight

the Casa Maria Luigia experience

like no other

brilliant in its beauty

every. last. detail. perfection.

beautiful villa

exquisite rooms

Gucci wallpaper leaf and vine

wall to wall to wall albums

art and music and music and art

and design

the refrigerator!!!

snacks under glass prepared just for us

pink bubbles

black cabinets and walls

and white and black fragile china

two cherry art

leaf drawing

meanwhile the outdoors

the lush fresh gardens

red “door to the garden”

small “she shed” 

swinging with joy

poolside delight

coca cola in the poolhouse

the time is always NOW

fountains and trees and grass and rosemary

olives and birch and cypress and oak trees

ai wei wei and legos

hidden bar in the cocktail room

waving hands framed

all angles

leather and velvet

wood and bourbon and gin and vodka and wine

poolside mummy 

brief nap in the quiet dark of the gorgeous room

art tour!

be ready

Lara delights with her words 

about words

and their importance and significance and power and potential

words carry meaning

be it hateful or kind

and last forever

the words

quotes in light

art in color

art in black and white

red white and fucking blue

perfectly placed and balanced

tables art too

the sea tucked in the drawer of one 

amidst the leather chairs

glass chandeliers

accidentally left

and repurposed

as if they always belonged in this spot

above the check in

next to the ying and yang sofas

carefully handpicked by Massimo and Lara

welcoming all to their glorious space

the soft evening light floating over the cobblestones

between the villa and the carriage house

now a glorious kitchen and dining room

only room for twenty

bubbles and red and white await

the beautifully dressed friends

who now are closer

through experience 

and joy

art on the walls 

Damien Hirst 

a play on drug labels

and nourishment

simplicity

followed by so much flavor in tiny dishes

oysters meet lime granita

broth and caviar and crunch

animated love and joy by chef Jessica

beautiful food

more bubbles and white and red

the five ages of parmesan light and crisp and full and creamy and foamy

piece de resistance

the crunchy part of the lasagna

to be eaten with your fingers

dipping the overcooked baked again pasta in the sauce and the cheese and the love

the next the favorite for me

the spinning plates

allllll the colors - the green, red, yellow, orange

pure vegetables disguised as splattered art

on bright white plate trimmed in silver

beef coated in herbs - sous vide the word and need of the day

let’s buy one!

recreate this dish

impossible yet lofty

I love it

melt in your mouth

Nebbiolo alongside

Langhe

Casa E. Di Mirafiore

nothing like it

crusty bread to lick the plate

literally

recommended by chef

cheesy salty delectable tortellini as palate cleanse…more more more

chocolate and raspberry

deconstructed lemon tart - capers, salt, basil, tiny pieces of art alongside

broken yet perfect.  

It’s perfect

its broken

just like southern italy

leave space in your life for poetry

when something imperfect happens its perfect

WWMD

How to break the rules

let me count the ways

so much heart

in all the words

of all the people

break the rules

live by the rules

you get one life

it’s yours

see the world

feel the love

examine the beauty

the details

making a playlist

in the midst of the laughs

not quite right

but not quite wrong

too tired and full to dance 

want to just process all of it 

so many emotions

“full”ish moon over the courtyard (foolish?) fullish? I like to make up my own words

the glow of the night is lovely

the lights of the kitchen bright

no room left for nightcap

more love of the art

feeling all the feels

on the last night in Modena.  the only night in Modena

there will be more nights in Modena 

of this I am sure

Rough night of sleep

Early morning coffee in the garden 

followed by breakfast of kings and queens in the carriage house (9 courses 9 hours ago)

Gardens and fountains and art and music and food and wine

oh my

People enjoying Paris and Venice and allll the other places now

scattered over Italy and France and elsewhere

Off to San Gimignano for a quick dance with my memories

Of birthdays of my own, of vines and friends, and my son Zach

With whom I shared a glorious adventure here

Through the fields of sunflowers in the summer

though the cobblestoned streets of Siena and Lucca and San Gimignano

With wine and cheese and picnics and Brunello and Grappa

Rekindling friendships and building new here on this journey

grateful for all of it

sunshine and laughter

more bubbles and white and red

in this special place

that has my heart

whatsapp continues

the funny and silly and heartfelt

the travel woes and travel joys

the hives, the luggage, the photos, the friendships

all thanks to you Mike Greto 

So glad to know you

and now to get know your people

thank you for sharing

thank you for all of it (Domi and Mike)

Here’s to 50 years on this planet 

and the next 50 with all the joy, tears, learning, love, grace, beauty, and hugs

Back to reality and all of its different yet wonderful beauty.  

Home sweet home.  Half the beauty of travel is the coming home.  

All the love for Italy right now.  The suffering there is real.  The fear is real. The death toll from covid-19 is real.  May this beautiful country recover soon and may the bells ring throughout the squares and the sun shine on this beautiful land and these beautiful people.  Until I see you again.  

Bella's hugs and more

My dog is happier than she’s ever been!  Her people are here…all…the…time.  She gets multiple walks a day, fed on time, and hugs on demand.  If you’ve never experienced a dog that hugs, come by after all this is over -Bella is a hugger! She literally leans her whole 95 pound body into yours until you sit down, lean in, and she puts her head on your shoulder.  It’s pretty wonderful.  Grateful for that.  Today’s writing will be all about the gratitude because it’s the one thing that always brings me back from the edge.  It brings me back from the potential of a funk or of spiraling into some crap in my own head.  This Covid -19 situation certainly can get into your head…make you question all kinds of things, and spiral between feeling wonderful and grounded to “omg how long is this going to last?” and “how can I stay isolated for weeks on end?”.  The reality.  Everything is ok in this moment.  Gratitude brings you right back to that. So today, I’m just going to write a gratitude list.

Grateful for my runs with my dear friend Audrey every morning.  (we do run several feet apart and yell at each other as we talk…it’s kind of comical).  Audrey is an amazing human - a sharp mind and a never ending surprise to me.  She has a beautiful depth combined with an amazing kindness, and I learn something new from her every single time we are together.  We go back and forth between talking about Covid and recipes and books and movies and pop culture and kids and our neighborhood and trees and birds and whatever pops into our minds.   I love it when she talks about her work or tells a story - first, because it’s interesting and also because she is forcing me to run faster than I’m comfortable with , and I can’t actually speak because I’m gasping for air.  So grateful for her and her company.

Grateful for my partner Robb.  We genuinely just love being together; he really is my favorite person, and we have an understanding that if either of us needs space we just say the word and go to opposite ends of the house.  No judgement.  No hurt feelings.  Pretty awesome.  We have had a great time cooking together this week, having wine on the front porch during our designated “transition time”, and watching movies we have always wanted to watch together - currently on The Godfather.  In case you are wondering, “transition time” is a designated time for an hour between working from home and transitioning to life after work.  When you work from home it’s easy to just. keep. working.  Suddenly you’re starving, you look up and it’s 8 pm and you have been working for twelve hours.  Not sustainable.  So, we implemented “transition time” - it holds us accountable to putting away work and allows us some time together to just talk and have a glass of wine on the porch.  I highly recommend it for those of you who have just started working from home.  Taking regular walking breaks throughout the day is also important! (hence, Bella’s happiness…)

So many things to be grateful for - not the least of which is health in general.  We always take our health for granted, until we get sick.   As we look at the situation with COVID around the world, and now unfolding in the United States, I am saddened and overwhelmed by the potential for mass infection.  I am grateful that most people I know are taking the “stay home” direction seriously, and I’m grateful that we have the opportunity to “flatten the curve” by taking appropriate actions as a nation.  The ball seems to be rolling in that direction….even more speed is needed.  

Grateful for my kids  - none of them are with me right now, but I’ve been mastering snapchat with Wilson and spoke to both Emily and Zach today.  I love the humans that they are; Emily is busy convincing people to have a blood drive in the midst of this chaos , and Zach is planting a garden.  Wilson doing his online school every day and seems to be learning well this way. I’m so proud of how engaged he is….secretly afraid he may want to “home school” forever.  

 While virtual interaction isn’t the same as in person, it can be fun!  I was so grateful for my wonderful friend Kristin’s FaceTime call early this morning during coffee time.  Something about her beautiful smiling face and positive attitude just made my day.  

What are you grateful for today?  Make a list of the big things and the little things…there are so many, it’s hard to find a stopping point!  

a few more:

birdsong in the back yard (sounds like a jungle out there!)

a great run this morning

calls from friends

figuring things out at work

meditation

great books to read

great movies to watch

cooking at home

delicious vegetables

a mastermind session with some awesome people

Atlanta in the spring! (everything blooming….)

Day Four Covid aka spring in the ATL

I woke up this morning feeling a little off - no wonder; everything is upside down these days.   As I went through my morning routine of writing and reading followed by a nice run outdoors, I felt better.  It’s shocking just how much these little things can make you feel better immediately.  I knew I had a day of calls ahead, coupled with some 7th grade math help (I don’t think I was that much help as I certainly don’t remember the formulas for the area of a rectangular prism…) Thank God for google! Wilson asked the very wise question - “at what point will I use this in life?”  I felt pretty good about my answer - it’s not ABOUT that.  It’s about LEARNING how to LEARN….figuring out a way to find an answer to a complex situation…THIS you will use every single day of your life, WILSON!  

We all are juggling this “new normal” now; juggling the demands of work with family like never before, working remotely (which I mostly do anyway) with other people in the house also working remotely, and trying to stay focused on the important things.  The one thing that REALLY made my day today was a FaceTime call from my daughter Emily and her cat, Poppy.  I was shocked at how just this simple thing made me smile and laugh and just want to hug her through the phone.  Facetime someone today - that simple little connection is so powerful! 

We’ve been debating the take out food dilemma….I think we’ve decided we are comfortable with picking it up from a local restaurant (we want to support them!), sanitizing the box and eating it at home.  I am the antithesis of a germaphobe (five second rule is my middle name)…so I find this all a bit unsettling.  However, I’m taking the advice of experts in all that I do right now in an effort to stem the spread of this virus.  

One thing my daughter said when she called me this morning was that she woke up with a commitment on her mind; a commitment to NEVER taking alllll the little things for granted in the future.  She was referring to the little things like going to the gym, popping into the grocery store a couple of times a week, hanging out with friends at a restaurant or a bar,  running into a local store to buy a birthday gift for a friend…..I couldn’t agree with her more.  I miss hugging people.  We have a very walkable neighborhood and it’s not uncommon for me to run into people I know when I’m out walking or running - and it’s so natural for me to hug them.  I’m looking forward to that return to normalcy!  

In the meantime, I’m grateful for the fresh air when I head outside for a run, spring happening in Atlanta (the most BEAUTIFUL time of year here) , our neighborhood market that seems to have everything we need, a school system that is doing virtual school each day to keep Wilson somewhat focused on learning, a job I can work from home, and the restful feeling of being home every night, and the time to just sit and BE; less doing and going, more BEING.  

There is something so wondrous about being still.  This weird time in our life gives us more time for stillness.  More time for thinking.  Makes me think of a Rumi quote  - “In Silence there is eloquence.  Stop weaving and see how the pattern improves.”.  Be still.  

Day Three Covid 19 self quarantine

March 17 , 2020 - Happy St Patrick’s Day !

What is St. Patrick’s Day all about? I’m going to take my own advice and do a little googling.  

Saint Patrick is the patron saint and national apostle of Ireland. He is credited with successfully spreading Christianity throughout Ireland—hence the Christian celebration of his life and name.

if you are wondering about the shamrock…

We wear a shamrock on St. Patrick’s Day because, legend says, St. Patrick used its three leaves to explain the Holy Trinity in his teachings. (The Trinity is the Father, the Son, and the Spirit as three divine persons who are one divine being [God].) The truth of the St. Patrick legend, however, is in question, as there is no direct record that the saint actually used the shamrock as a teaching tool.

How on earth did the green beer drinking rowdy parades come from this start? 

The St. Patrick’s Day tradition began as a feast day held in honor of St. Patrick on the anniversary of the day he died. Christians are allowed to put aside their Lenten restrictions on food and alcohol consumption on this day, which is why excessive drinking has become so permanently linked to the celebration.

Eventually, the feast day evolved into a greater celebration including not only St. Patrick, but also Irish culture, history, and traditions. Though the feast day began in Ireland, the first St. Patrick’s Day parade began in America. The parade tradition became exceptionally popular in the 1840s, when hundreds of thousands of Irish immigrants came to America to escape the potato famine.

It makes me think a little bit about religion and spirituality and about the many different ways we all find solace when we need it.  Prayer, meditation, yoga…..whatever way we find to manage human discomfort or stress.  I find meditation extremely helpful in managing stress, anxiety, and fear.  It helps me learn to tune into the present moment or what is real IN THIS MOMENT.  Everything is ok in the current moment.  When my monkey mind starts going crazy (am I going to get sick? How do I deal with my restless pre-teen? Will I be able to get groceries when I need them? ), it helps me to bring my awareness right back to NOW.  In the now, everything is ok.  Most people know I don’t like to fly in airplanes and most people also see my very very regular travel on airplanes.  Meditation is  how I manage this, and it has been extremely helpful.  All I can influence in any given moment is how I show up in the present moment.  I can learn to feel relaxed in the current moment, I can learn to manage the fear and uncertainty through my breath.  When we move from this fearful place, it opens us to “how can we help”? “how can I lead”? “how can I reassure people who are struggling even more than I am”? 

Coping mechanisms in times of trouble are extremely important.  Each of us needs to find our way.  FEAR makes people look within, HOPE makes people look outside of themselves.  What can I DO?  

I can:

breathe

choose to stay inside because it’s the right thing to do

comfort others

stay calm

stay grounded

help others

take care of my mind and my heart - recognize anxiety, but don’t let it take over

make a donation to The Giving Kitchen to help out of work restaurant workers

order takeout to support a local restaurant (Cameli’s offering “half baked” pizzas so you can cook them at home!)

I think we need to take a close look at the amount of time we spend on our news feed and our social media feed.  While information is important, limiting it in times of stress is also important.  CHOOSE a small window of time in which you gather information and the rest of the time focus on other things.  Check in with yourself; if you are feeling overwhelmed by news, limit it.  You can’t be in the NOW if you are constantly checking the news.  We create our reality.  While COVID 19 is real, so is the fact that in this moment we are healthy.  We are safe.  We are in control of our minds.  Meditation can help with this.  Try it - you’ve got time! 

Now - if you’re looking for a fun way to entertain your kids - check out what my friend Kristin (super badass and super mom) did to entertain her boys this morning! 

Or, if you need to express yourself through some baking today - here’s a recipe for Irish Oatmeal Scones in honor of St. Patrick’s Day.  I’m going to try them later!  (hint - if you don’t have currants, use any dried fruit)  (If you don’t have buttermilk - who ever does? - you can google how to make milk into buttermilk)……..wait! I’ll do it for you…

• scant cup whole or 2% milk, or heavy cream (I don’t drink milk so will likely use almond or coconut or oat milk…it will probably work) 

• 1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice or distilled white vinegar

Mix together, let sit for 10 minutes…next best thing to buttermilk

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup currants

water to cover

1-1/4 cups flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup sugar

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 stick butter

1 cup oatmeal

1/3 cup buttermilk

melted butter

coarse-grained sugar, optional

INSTRUCTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Combine currants and water in Pyrex measuring cup. Microwave to boiling point, cover, and let stand.

Combine first 5 dry ingredients in large mixing bowl or Cuisinart bowl. Cut in butter with pastry knife, or pulse in Cuisinart until it resembles coarse meal. Drain currants, then add to mixture with oatmeal. Stir in buttermilk until dough is barely moistened.

Turn dough onto floured board and knead 6 to 8 times. Roll or pat into a circle, place on ungreased baking sheet, and score into 8 wedges. Brush the top with melted butter and sprinkle with coarse-grained sugar (if using). Bake for about 15 minutes.

This recipe can be doubled and divided into 3 circles with 6 wedges each. Doubled it yields about 30 two-inch round scones.

YIELD: 

8 scones

School starts today for Wilson! How he adapts to virtual learning will be interesting.  My guess - he will demand we only home school moving forward. (Help!) .  More updates later. 

Posting this the day AFTER St. Patrick’s Day, but hope you enjoy it anyway! I get to the writing before or after the day job, so it gets posted when it gets posted.  Day 5 may appear on day 7 and so on.  Either way - know that I am sending out lots of love and positive energy to all of you.

Day Two

Day two.  Self Quarantine.  The rumors are flying via text message about a 14 day quarantine by president Trump.  I pray he makes this bold and courageous move.  While our economy may suffer, our humans will live.  The humans we love and care about.  The humans who staff our hospitals and ERs, the humans who raised us and have taken care of us.  It’s time Americans stopped thinking about “us and them”.  This virus knows no nationality, no skin color, no political party.  Our immune systems are equipped to fight it IF we have healthy immune systems.  So many people don’t, and those of us healthy enough to make the choice need to do everything we can to protect the people who can’t fight this on their own.   Love thy neighbor.  Care for your friends and family.  Stay home.  Worry will get us nowhere, but small actions that each of us can take to help another WILL make a difference. 

These are the things I’m telling myself and also remembering to breathe and limit social media.  We all have work to do and families to care for, and we can’t continue to worry our heads silly.  The birds are still singing, the sun is still rising, and we are still healthy.  Living in this present moment is important.  Remembering what we are grateful for is important.  Laughing is important.  Listening to music is important.  Remembering all the simple pleasures of life is important.  During the hours we aren’t working remotely (or if you are unable to work remotely), here’s a few things you can do….. 

Thank a health care professional  

Thank the teacher who is managing 12 year olds VIRTUALLY 

Call up a friend or family member and ask them what they need and how you can help

Write a letter to an old friend or a new friend

Make a new recipe - throw together random things in your pantry

Learn about something you have always wanted to learn about - google still works as do books and documentaries

stretch! (we never have “time” to stretch, right)- flexibility is one of the most important attributes of living a long and healthy life

hug the people you are quarantined with OR, if you are alone - wrap your arms around yourself and think of ten things you love about YOU…..and then call a friend and tell them what you love about them

Start a journal - what I’m grateful for during this crisis

Ask your co-workers how they are doing…how they are REALLY doing

Avoid social media and news for a solid portion of the day; allow x amount of minutes per day to stay informed, and then shut. it. down.  (too much overload with constant streaming of information)

Social distance, hunker down, and remember what we did before all we did was “go”

Read that book you’ve been meaning to read. Listen to a podcast. 

Go for a walk or a run outside - sunshine and fresh air are good for the soul

Open up the good bottle of wine ….and savor it

Set a beautiful table and use the beautiful dishes for your pantry creation dinner

Clean your garage

Clean off your desk and clean out your file cabinets

Work on that business plan or strategy piece you haven’t had time for

Simply THINK. When is the last time you stopped everything and just generated some IDEAS? Think of your home quarantine as an incubator for the next great invention/revelation/creative endeavor.

Crank up the tunes - have a dance party! (either alone or with your family or your dog)

Write that book!  Paint that painting! Compose that song! 

BREATHE.  Deeply.  Try a meditation app - I like 10% Happier

Most importantly, keep a daily gratitude list of allllll that we have to be thankful for; the list is endless.  Stay focused upon these things.  Right now the birds are belting out a beautiful tune from my backyard, the trees are bursting with blooms, the daffodils and tulips are in full flower, and spring is still on its way.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  And control what you can; your attitude, your mindset, and how your micro actions can help others.  Remember (I’ve been seeing this meme circulating) - Shakespeare wrote King Lear during the plague.  What can you contribute to make our world a better place?  Let your creativity shine.   

COVID-19 Self Quarantine Day One

Yesterday we made the decision.  Stay home.  It’s the only real way to stop this disease in its tracks.  I’ve read more articles, posts, memes, and scientific and non scientific information to assure me that this is the right thing to do.  Self quarantining is the only way.  If we are waiting for someone else to tell us what to do,  we are making a mistake.  Our leaders seem ill-equipped to follow the evidence or listen to the scientists that fully understand, so it’s time to be the leaders that our families and friends need.  

It’s not easy to tell a 12 year old who has just been let out of school “this is not a snow day - we don’t need to be fearful, but we need to be CAREFUL.”  Think about that word.  CARE. FUL. We need to be full of care.  Full of care for people that are at risk - the immunocompromised (there are soooo many people who take medication that suppresses their immune systems or that suffer from diseases that impact their immune system), the elderly, the people with breathing problems, the people with sick parents and grandparents…. the list goes on and on.  While we may not be at high risk for death, none of us want to experience a terrible flu-like virus either - let alone give it to someone at high risk for death. Talk about disruptive to our lives!  Give me the disruption of working from home via computer and phone.  Give me the disruption of more family time.  Give me the disruption of time to read, write, create, cook, laugh with my family, clean out closets, write letters, go for a solitary run in the fresh air (at least for now)…all the things we never have time to do in our over-scheduled lives.  I’m choosing to be grateful for so many things in this moment.  Grateful that I can work from home.  Grateful that I am currently healthy.  Grateful that my family is healthy.  Am I sad that my Italian wedding this summer will likely be postponed? Yes.  Am I sad that important business trips and meetings will need to be put off? Yes.  Am I sad that I won’t get to see my friends and colleagues for awhile?  Yes.  But in the big picture of things, none of those things matter.  Life will eventually return to some kind of normal.  In the meantime, we must create a new normal.  This new normal has the added benefit of being closer to our family than we have been in awhile.  On a normal weekend day,  my 12 year old would set off for a day of running around with his friends.  Today he went for a run/walk with me, did his own laundry, bathed the dog, and wants to help cook dinner.  (WOW)  Right now he’s doing push-ups, sit-ups, and wall sits.  While he’s not happy about his lack of social interaction (he is SO social!), he seems to understand the serious nature of this situation and respects our responsibility to others.  I respect his ability to turn lemons into lemonade.  

Today, I read a book for two hours, wrote for awhile, went for a long walk, cooked some soup, and did a lot of laundry.  I also created a vegan chocolate chip cookie last night - shockingly good!

Those things feel so grounding.  I imagine these activities will get old as the days or possibly weeks progress, but right now they feel like such luxury!   I’m confident we will get on each other’s nerves, watch more Netflix than we should, and long for our favorite restaurants.  It doesn’t matter.   Wisdom from my recent yoga retreat in Mexico - “You don’t have to like everything”.  We are used to fast paced, quick access, immediate gratification lifestyles. What if we embrace this time to slow down, simplify, “hunker down”? I feel extreme privilege even saying this, because I know there are many not as fortunate as I am.  I realize that there are people that HAVE to get out to make money and HAVE to make decisions that they may not want to make, but must for economic reasons.  I pray that there is help on the horizon from the government, or that the rest of us continue to help our neighbors in every way we can.

When Monday arrives, I will spend a lot of time on the phone and zoom meetings instead of personal face to face interaction.  That’s ok.  I feel a new type of bond with my team as we navigate through this crisis together; as we get creative about how to do our work and communicate with customers and teammates.  I feel a need to protect them and encourage them to think of themselves and their families first.  I feel a need to tell everyone I love to JUST STAY HOME.  Just for awhile.  We will find a way to get our work done. I fully trust the experiences that have come before us - China, Italy - they say they wish they would have…..before tens of thousands of people died in the wake of something that could be slowed by “social distancing”. - the new buzzphrase of 2020 - who would have thought? 

We will all be impacted by this.  I’m going to stay focused on gratitude - for health, for the ability to “hunker down”, for my family, for Netflix, for good books to read, and for lots of ways to communicate with others that don’t involve face to face interaction.  I’m thinking of having a virtual “wine night” this week with my friends.  Who’s in? Sending all the positive vibes out to the universe and to my people.  As I think about Italy and their current lockdown, I think about this beautiful greeting on the wall at one of my favorite places there - Castello di Ama - an entire room covered with these little messages.   

BINGO!

This is one of the best gifts I have ever received. Robb (my partner/friend/love/soon to be husband) painted it for me. (It’s so much better in person - He is an amazing painter, and this is one of his best! I feel honored that he gifted it to me. For more of his work - see @robblejuwaan on instagram.

Glittering, sparkling, overwhelming magic.  Not everyone believes in it; not everyone recognizes that serendipitous moment when forces collide and magic is the only answer to the “what the?” question.  We all amble along in this life, getting things done, making things happen, pulling levers, pushing buttons…..we DO things.  We have “to do” lists a mile long.  We learn ways to prioritize our “to do” lists so that we can get it all done.  Take an average day - we drink coffee, brush our teeth, walk the dog, cook for our kids, tell them to put their dishes in the dishwasher, drive to work, make some decisions, have some meetings, set some appointments, drive home, make some dinner, help with homework, watch some sports or Netflix,pay some bills, have some conversations and a little quality family time, and then do it all again.  I love a good “to do” list. I love setting goals, writing down what I want to accomplish, and then proudly checking each item off with a red marker and an internal “YESSSSSS!”   I’ve been known to write things down on the list that I’ve actually already done just to be able to check it off.  (admit it - you have too!)  There can be a lot of joy found in all of that doing throughout the day, but is that all there is - “to do” lists and getting things done? 

What about all the really really GOOD STUFF in between? What about that phone call we get from an old friend where we giggle and reminisce and feel insanely grateful that they called?  What about that new song that Spotify added to your playlist that has all the words you needed to hear?  What about briefly lying your head on your desk wishing you had a new job and at that moment a recruiter calls?  What about the one  book you pick up in a bookstore that answers a question you have been wondering about? What about that creative burst of energy that appears and we paint a picture or write a story or take beautiful photographs? What about that random class that appears in our instagram feed that we spontaneously sign up for and it is LIFE CHANGING? What about the new friend we make while ON the walk with the dog that just HAPPENED to be strolling along a particular street at exactly the same moment we are strolling along a particular street?  What about meeting the love of your life on an airplane and they had JUST changed their seat at the last minute to wind up next to you and you had JUST barely made the flight in time? This is what I mean by magic.  When the universe lines up to give you just what you need right when you need it.   These things happen all the time.  Can we harness some type of energy to MAKE them happen, and if these thing do happen, DO WE EVEN NOTICE?  

When I was a little girl, I wanted to write a book.  I was in the third grade and it was all I could think about.  I had read every single Roald Dahl book ever written, and I was fascinated and entranced at what he could create and how he could make magic real.  ( I feel the same way today about Stephen King, one of the most prolific and best writers of all times; his stuff can be gory and over the top, but he sucks you into his magic with words so specifically and beautifully chosen that you can’t stop and suddenly you are in a different reality).  My teacher at the time was quite encouraging and told me to write a letter to Roald Dahl, which I did, and he wrote me back! (or his assistant did - whatever!).  He signed the letter.  He sent me a signed a copy of Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator.  He sent both to me, and I was overjoyed.  I started my quest to write a book then and there.  Every day at recess while the other kids learned about sports and chased each other around the playground, I would go into the long coat closet and sit on the floor and write. and write. and write.  I couldn’t tell you what about, I couldn’t tell you what happened to that book, but I was determined.  And since then I have continued to write, mostly privately, but have ventured into a blog in recent years.  I’ve toyed with the idea of multiple book topics, but this one keeps coming back to me as a message I want to get out there.  I think it’s ironic (magical?) that it started with the magic of Roald Dahl and is culminating in my own little magical game of Bingo.  One of my favorite Roald Dahl quotes is - Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.  So, open your mind to magical thinking, suspend your disbelief if you will, and let in the possibility of a little magic.  Combined with a little gratitude.  The two together will change your life.  

I read a book a few years ago that was about playing games in your life - I can’t for the life of me remember what the book was called or I would name it here.  I remember that I  didn’t much like the book except for one little part of it…..it was a section about playing BINGO with your life.  I read a lot of books, gather a lot of ideas, maybe even try a thing or two for awhile, but this is something that has stuck and has literally CHANGED MY LIFE.  I’m going to teach you how to do it, I’m going to challenge you to try it, and we’re going to make magic happen in your life. 

The game itself is a 5-15 minute commitment once a week.  You know - 1/10 of the time you spend scrolling on social media - you have the time, you just have to commit to it.  I say 5-15 minutes because the first few times you do it it takes a little more time, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. I spend about 5 minutes now, and it impacts the other 10075 minutes of my week in a big way.

So let’s get started.  You need a bingo template - 5 squares by 5 squares - typical Bingo.  You can had draw it, or you can go to a website from your phone or computer and find a free one.  Some people like to write, some like to type - your choice. I do the latter and I just typed in 5x5 bingo card template and there are a few.  I have always used the one that says 5x5 Bingo Card Maker - Teach-nology.  It gives you 25 blank spots that you fill in and then it creates your card.  I then save it to iBooks on my my phone and have a digital card saved for every week.  I have been doing this every Monday (mostly without fail) for more than five years now.  It may not be a randomized, double blinded, placebo controlled study, but I’m here to tell you it works.  

The first rule of the BINGO game is you sit back and think about random good things that could POTENTIALLY happen in a week.  Sometimes I look at my calendar to see what’s upcoming, sometimes I’m less specific.  The key is this is the antithesis of a “to do” list.  This is a “could happen” list.  As in, things out of your control that could happen to you.  Now - you may be sorely disappointed if you fill every square with WIN THE LOTTERY.  The key here is things that could happen.  (I don’t know if you know the lottery odds, but even in my most magical of thinking days, the odds are stacked against you here).  That being said, nearly every week one of my squares reads “receive random money”…could be a quarter in the washer, a random refund check in the mail, or a friend repays me for a loan I forgot I made.  You get the picture.  Some things are very specific, some more vague.  I imagine every person out there has different ideas of what a “good thing” looks like.  Mine vary from week to week depending on what is upcoming, depending on my mood, and depending if anyone has asked me to add one of their desires to my bingo card that week.

You fill in each box with one good thing.  Some examples:

Hear from an old friend

Receive random money

Make a new friend

Have a great conversation with a stranger

Receive a gift

Discover new music

Get sucked into a book

Score the winning touchdown

Give an amazing presentation

Have safe and easy travels

Feel inspired to create something

Quality family time happens

Great conversation with your child happens

Have an amazing strong run

Sometimes they are about feelings, not actual event

Feel inspired

Feel gratitude

Feel deep love

Feel helpful

Feel mentally strong

You get the idea. The key is - something you have no control over or something you would like to happen to you or a way you would like to feel in the upcoming week.  

Timing is up to you.  I have a reminder set on my phone to do every Monday at 7 am.  I’m an early riser and this gives me the opportunity to get my week off to a great start.  I also take this time to do the other part of this exercise which is to pull up the previous week’s card and check off the boxes of the things that actually happened.  It gives you the opportunity to look at a square and think - YES, I did have a conversation with a stranger - that uber driver and I talked about quantum physics! (or global warming, or the love of your mother, or whatever!).  Little things that add up to an interesting and great life.   It’s so freaking simple, but do we ever do it?  

I will get right to the punch line here - EVERY WEEK FOR FIVE YEARS - at the end of the week 24-25 of the boxes are checked.  24-25 GOOD THINGS happen to me. Even if I’ve had a rough week, it gives me the opportunity to open my heart to the extreme gratitude of all the little and big things that happen every week to make my life full and wonderful.  It takes me out of the “to do” list mentality and into the love is in the details magic.  Life is magical and wonderful and sometimes awful and tragic.  I believe that focusing on the good things brings more of these things into your life.  This is a way to harness that belief.  A lot of people think that kind of thinking is hocus pocus or just silly.  I have lived it for five years straight now.  That’s not to say the past five years haven’t had rough moments, bad news, heartbreak, or tragedy.  All of those things happen.  And, at the same time, so many magical, wonderful, delightful small miracles happen every single day.  (the other day ALL 25 of my things happened in a SINGLE day)  LOOK for the magic.  Be GRATEFUL for the magic.  That is the message of BINGO.  

Serendipity in Tokyo

In the past three weeks I have travelled a lot of miles.

Atlanta to San Francisco for a long weekend.

Atlanta to Barcelona for Thanksgiving week with the family

Barcelona back to Atlanta for 12 hours

Atlanta to Tokyo for a week of work

Tokyo back to Atlanta for two days

Atlanta to New Orleans for three days of interviewing.

Phew.  I’m tired, but so very satisfied with the wonder of the world and the joy of travel.  

There was so much intensity to this travel - wonderful times with family and friends and colleagues. But there is one experience that stands out - a “small world” experience that started in Tokyo.  

Several different people had recommended that we go to the top floor bar (52nd floor) of the Park Hyatt hotel in Tokyo.  This is the same hotel bar as the one in the Lost in Translation movie.  Lost in Translation had kind of been the theme of our week as we attempted to do our work with a translator buzzing in our ears. So, on our last night, after a week of long work days and time zone acclimation, we decided to head to this hot spot. I was kind of reluctant to go to an American hotel bar while in Tokyo, but SO many people had recommended - we just couldn’t resist.  I went with two colleagues to the top of the Hyatt bar in Tokyo for a cocktail.  We are lucky enough to be seated at wonderful window table where we see all of Tokyo displayed like magic below us.  Skyscrapers.  Below us.  The lights seemed to stretch on forever.  Tokyo is this giant, clean, magnificent city that goes on and on and on.  

We order a cocktail and are mesmerized by the people watching and the view. I have to add this is possibly the sexiest bar on earth.  We decided there was no better way to describe it; a jazz trio playing, dark and sultry, and everywhere we looked there was that stunning view. There’s no other drink than a martini for this situation, and Sunil commented on his love for blue cheese olives. (Who doesn’t love a blue cheese olive?) .  At the table next to us was an American couple - the guy leans over and says - “blue cheese olives are the best” ! We chuckle and move on with our conversation, never really thinking twice about this person or the conversation.  We share some delicious food, have a second martini, and end our beautiful evening after an extraordinarily long day. 

The next day we are heading back to the US in the afternoon, and my colleague and I decide to seek out an Owl Cafe - who knew there was such a thing?  There are several to choose from; we randomly pick one that doesn’t seem too far from our hotel.  The taxi drops us off, we wander up and down some alleys searching for it.  We don’t find it for awhile, but instead stumble upon a tiny little park oasis in the middle of a residential street behind the bustling shops.  The leaves on the trees are a combination of brilliant red, yellow, and orange hues- Tokyo in the fall - wowza.  There is a little hut with two benches.  We sit on each one and close our eyes to take in the birdsong and the peace of the moment.  There was no need to talk.  It was a lovely place to just be.  I found myself thinking about the wonder of being in this beautiful spot halfway around the world.  I found myself thinking about the fact that I literally hadn’t stopped to breathe for the past two weeks (traveling so many miles by air in such a short period of time is not for the faint of heart) - the days were full of work and translators and constant activity and social engagement.  I took a deep belly breath and was grateful.  I was grateful for the job that brought me here, the people I had travelled here with, this moment in time, and for the family I was returning to later that afternoon.  We snapped a few photos of this lovely spot and rechecked our GPS for the Owl Cafe…we were a block away.  Imagine a small alley with a four story unmarked building - we see a small owl on the sign and realize we have found it.  We climb to the fourth floor and enter a tiny little cafe with only a few people in it.  We pay for our experience - which includes a matcha latte (my new favorite warm drink) and the feeding and petting of owls! There is a small porch off of the little cafe - multiple owls seemingly just awaiting our arrival.  Or, perhaps they were wondering how and why the hell they are trapped on this porch.  It was a combination of beautiful and creepy; owls can be a sign of death or good luck and there is something quite magical about them.  The soft feathers around their eyes or the top of their head is where they like to be touched; they felt like soft cotton and seemed to enjoy the attention.

As I look to the left I see a couple sitting on the mats on the floor - (two of the four people in the room).  I take a second glance and think - “isn’t that the blue cheese olive guy from last night?”  This is weird.  Tokyo. American.  Two random places.  The room is TINY (so tiny we are practically sitting on their laps….), so it’s certainly not awkward to ask him the question. We laugh and he says it was them.  We introduce ourselves and discover he is an ophthalmologist from West Palm Beach.  Weird…the next potential indication for the drug that I work with is for a rare disease potentially treated by opthalmologists.  We chat about it a bit - he has heard of my company, says he has been following us and reading about our pipeline, knows about the disease (RARE), the drug, how it works…everything!  He launches into everything he knows about this disease. In fact, he tells us he is an expert in that arena.  Let me explain something here - I work in rare disease - no one EVER knows what I am talking about when I talk about our diseases, the mechanism of action of our drug - all foreign to even the most well educated of doctors.  That is why this is so damn weird.  All of this blows my mind. We are in TOKYO.  I ran into the same person twice at two distinctly different places in different parts of the city. He is teaching me things about this rare disease, and I am dumbfounded.

We snap a smiling photo of the three of us, feed and hold owls together (a bizarre experience!), and are on our way.  I think about the serendipity of this - I think about the powerful charge of the universe and know that somehow we were brought together because there is probably some patient in West Palm Beach whose life will be impacted as a result of us meeting. I am certain the universe brought us together.  I text the photo to the local rep along with his card - tell her to reach out to him if and when we get the indication because he wants more information.  

When I return home I tell this story to many people; serendipity is fascinating to me. Fast forward a week and it’s the next Saturday night.  I’m at home binge watching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (best show ever - Amazon prime), and I get a text from the rep in West Palm Beach.  The exact words were something along the lines of HOLY HOLY SHIT…look who is at a table at the wedding I am attending….and it’s a photo of her and the opthalmologist.  In West Palm Beach.  l am literally speechless which doesn’t often happen.  Small world doesn’t even begin to describe it.  They were sitting at the same table, she overhears him say he is an opthalmologist, she looks up and BAM.  The realization and recognition hit her.  You can imagine the tirade of questions she must have asked him.  I’m laughing as I think about this right now.  At the same time, I am overwhelmed with the magic of the universe.  I don’t know what role this guy will play in our lives, but wow - there is no doubt the universe knows.