Grief and Joy - April 3 and 4
I made the mistake of opening my day up at 6 am with work. I’m usually pretty good about starting it off with reading, writing, meditating, running…doing the things that ground me and set me on a good path for the day. Instead, after a frustrating and long week of working, trying to focus with multiple people in the house, taking care of all the household things like shopping and cleaning and just staying semi organized in our “pseudo” offices scattered around the house, I realized on my run this morning that I am grieving. Subtly, under the surface, subconsciously and sometimes consciously, grieving. I woke up for two hours in the middle of the night - not panicking or anything, but just feeling the feels. Feeling the pent up energy, the disappointment, the frustration, and the sadness around the changes around us. I read the memes about - oh suck it up, it’s not that hard to stay home - at least you have a home to stay in, which is all true, and I can shift to gratitude in a heartbeat, but I think it’s important to FEEL these things that are so real. When we just stuff down feelings, they tend to show up in an unattractive way at some point. If you don’t deal with them, they just fester and keep you from sleeping or from being able to focus. In addition to my gratitude list today, I’m going to make a grieving list
I’m grieving
my son’s seventh grade year
his interactions with his friends IN PERSON
his soccer season - he adores soccer and has been playing on a new team with some awesome kids and families and he has been getting better and better ….now this.
the distance from my older kids - I see Emily a couple of times a week as we have all been quarantining for a month now, but Zach is in another town and I can’t imagine not seeing him for months
the trip to Cuba I was supposed to take with Wilson over spring break - an opportunity to go to a beautiful country on a service trip and have some real quality one on one travel time with my baby.
my spring break photos over the last few years keep popping up and think about what an important and wonderful break and time with family this week typically is - a break from reality, from work, from school, from winter, from our home - traveling to wonderful places.
my Italian wedding. While we haven’t cancelled yet, it looks likely. Robb and I have had a long and sometimes challenging journey to get to the beautiful place where we are, and I was so looking forward to celebrating that this summer with family and some very close friends….sure, we can still get married and we will, but it’s just sad…so many things in the works, so much “love is in the details” thinking, and now…no details. no actual big things.
trips to CA - we usually go once a quarter to the place we long to live - hiking in Muir woods, a pizza at Bar Bocce, long bike rides and walks through San Fran, the Ferry building, all of our favorite restaurants, the smell of eucalyptus, coffee and running in Mill Valley and on the Dipsea trail, Parkside Cafe in Stinson, sunsets on a cliff in Bolinas, the crisp weather and beautiful ocean.
Regular nights out with friends at a bar or restaurant or our homes…I miss people in my home.
Seeing my colleagues on a regular basis - LIVE and not on Zoom. It’s not the same.
a hit to my income, to my retirement plan, to what I’m able to do at work.
Even airplanes…who thought I would miss airplanes?
the freedom to come and go and stop in here or there…..all of it
and all the while the overwhelming concern of getting or transmitting the coronavirus (or someone I know getting it)
I look forward to the joys listed above again, I hope I didn’t take them for granted before; I know I certainly do not now. I think it’s important to recognize what we miss, so that moving forward we create lives that are full of the things we love - both from the life we lived when we were free to move about AND from the life we are living in stillness.
April 4 2020
Yesterday was a rough day as is evidenced by my grieving list. I also had a very very long work week - too many zoom calls, an ever-increasing “to do” list, staying strong and focused for people around me, helping people with things they needed help with - really a “too much on my plate week”. However, I am proud of myself for continuing to exercise, to eat well, to make time for “driveway happy hour with friends” at least once a week (6-8 feet apart!).
Today, I am going to focus on the gratitude, on the good things, and on what I can do. We will have highs and lows during this weird situation, but today is going to be a good day. I’ve read some great articles on leadership this morning, texted with some friends, forwarded a poem for a poem exchange email chain thing….I usually never do those, but for some reason this one appealed to me. Here’s the poem I shared:
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and attend them all:
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture, still,
Treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
—Rumi.
Welcome and attend them all…..such good advice. It goes back to the “feeling the feels”, which is, ironically, the name of the online journal I’ve been keeping for about five years. It’s a place I go to dump my thoughts, feelings, gratitudes, etc., and keeps me true to my promise to write daily.
This whole covid 19 thing may just be “clearing us out for some new delight”. Some of the delights I have found in this situation
More time with family
cooking creative recipes at home; planning meals together and cooking together
no need to dress up! ever! (sometimes I just put on a nice blouse and some makeup for the zoom calls…sometimes I don’t)
a heightened level of compassion from everyone
more time to read (although I admittedly haven’t been doing enough of this)
porch or driveway get togethers with friends - all the sweeter in light of mostly isolating
running or walking every single day and really looking at the beauty of spring all around me
sleeping in my own bed every night
household cleaning projects - windows, floors, closets……
the early mornings when no one else is awake and I can reflect, plan, be grateful, read, and sit quietly and listen to the birdsong all around me as the new day begins.
There is joy in the moving about. There is joy in the stillness. I prefer the balance of both, but for now, I will appreciate the stillness.